The Charles

Waking up every 45 minutes all night, unable to blow my nose, and being returned to the same Rip Van Winkle-esque dream where I slept so long due to my sickness that the apocalypse had happened and I was forced to forage and defend myself almost completely defenseless due to the sickness.

This blows. Someone take care of me.

Had a pretty good show tonight. I freaked out a little over my solos (how many bands have bass trombone solos?), given that I haven’t improvised during a performance in 6 years, but I did a lot better than a few of my attempts during rehearsal. I tried to post a picture during the show, but my phone was being dumb.

I’m looking forward to playing with the other jazz group I joined this week. I’ve never had the opportunity to play in a jazz festival before and I get to play in two of them in one month. Should be good times.

I’ve realized that I only seem to be able to sleep, or even get tired, if I’m not at home.

When I drink, I do one of two things: I use my phone for music to keep myself from texting or put whatever I would drunk text to someone into a note to satisfy my need to type whatever I was thinking and just delete the note the next morning. Well, I recently changed my phone to an android powered phone from ny iphone. One of the note apps is called “Quick Notes” and gives you the option of emailing, posting to Facebook, or texting whatever you type in it. My booze brain apparently took advantage of this feature and actually sent the feelings dump I wrote up to Kristen. I regretted it as soon as I saw it when I woke up this morning.

Every girl who has expressed physical or emotional interest in me in the past year or so has been drunk when they did so. I actually remarked jokingly to a friend that I’m only attractive to drunk girls a little while ago. Seems more true than I care for.

Not in the mood to try to paint a picture with words today.

Last night, Kristen and I got pretty intimate and had some pretty heavy discussion. She told me how she’d had strong feelings for me at various points during our friendship that she never acted on, either because I was with someone or she expected me to take the initiative. I told her that I’d had feelings for her before as well, and how I’d felt so lonely lately and how I was always so afraid to say anything to her because of our relationship. She told me that any girl who was loved by me was lucky, and that she’d been envious. This made me feel really good, like I could mean something to someone again. When all was said and done, we just held each other until I had to leave. This morning, after I arrived home, we talked about where things would go from last night and she said that things should stay the way they were and that she’s “not looking for anything” and that she “like[s] where her life is.”

I’m not sure how to feel about it. We both said things we can’t take back, did things we can’t undo, shared things we’d hitherto held back. I had one uplifting night, and the first remotely intimate thing to happen to me in several months, only to have it relegated to a simple, booze-fueled, one-time experience. 

korranation:

Congrats, Korra fans! You did it!

We announced KorraNation.com on March 14th, and just 1 week later, fans have successfully reached 100,000 new likes, shares and tweets.  You know what that means? We’re rewarding fans by unlocking the first TWO episodes on KorraNation.com this Saturday, March 24th, weeks before airing on Nick. 

We are so excited to let the most passionate Korra fanatics watch the premiere before anyone else. Thanks for making it happen!

-Team Korra

3/21/2012

Today, I met my primary care physician for the first time. He’s nice and seems to be good at his job.

Today, I was diagnosed with insomnia and dysthymia. Dysthymia is a form of chronic depression, often difficult to spot due to the subtlety of its symptoms.

Today, my best friend and I found a dog. Thankfully, we were able to return her to her owner.

Today, a friend invited me to see a theatre production she’s stage managing. It’s called “Almost, Maine.” It’s a series of 8 shorts addressing various facets of love as it is experienced through the lives of 19 characters on the same night Friday in the same small town. Each of them had a profound effect on me emotionally.

“Her Heart” was the story of a woman who had come to set things right with her husband when his spirit passed through the Northern Lights. She felt guilty after “killing” him. He had left her for another woman and the pain had literally broken her heart. When she had it replaced, the doctor dropped it and broke it into pieces that she then carried around with her. When her husband came to apologize, she told him that she had a new heart and that it did not want him. He left, hurt, and was struck by an ambulance and killed. She told her story to a man who saw her from his window and fell in love with her. She rejected his advances, reasoning that while her new heart pumped blood, it could not love. He then took the pieces of her old, broken heart and said that he was a repairman.

I’ve done a lot of things that have pushed some people into destructive paths. Things that could have been avoided. Paths that could have been corrected. Love that could have been saved.

“Sad and Glad” presented Jimmy, a man in the back of a lodge, enjoying his beer when an old acquaintance, Ginette, passes by. Jimmy and Ginette are both very drunk. They had once been romantically linked, and he wanted to catch up, have a few drinks, go back to his place, when she revealed that she was getting married, and that she was at her bachelorette party. Jimmy recalled that Ginette had mentioned that she didn’t think marriage was for her, and postulated that it just wasn’t for her with him. He was still happy that she had been found (her husband-to-be was a state ranger) and wanted to celebrate. While Jimmy attempted to get the attention of the waitress, Ginette noticed a tattoo on his arm that read “Villian.” Jimmy explained that he-that they had spelled it wrong. He wanted the word “Villain” on his arm so that girls knew to stay away, because if he had driven someone as great as Ginette away, he had to be a bad guy. After attempting to assure him that he was wrong about himself, the she dismissed herself. The waitress returned and tried to cheer Jimmy up. She told him that if he needed anything, her name was “Villian.”

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the kind of person I must be to have driven Shellie away. I’ve also spent a lot of time trying to hide that person in a bottle.

“This Hurts” was about Steve, a young man who had congenital analgesia, a condition that prevents people from experiencing physical pain, and Marvalyn, a woman staying in the same boarding house as Steve with her boyfriend. Steve and Marvalyn are doing laundry, when Marvalyn accidentally strikes Steve in the head with an ironing board. She apologizes profusely and Steve explains that he’s fine, but remarks that he’ll have to add “Ironing Board” to his list of “Things that can hurt you.” He explains that due to his condition, his brother has instructed him to keep a list of things that can hurt as well as a list of things that he should fear. His brain doesn’t know what to be afraid of because his body has never told it what hurts. He encourages her to strike him with his notebook to see, but says that it’s okay if she doesn’t want to. Most people don’t. Most people just leave when he tells them about himself. Due to the underdevelopment of his neural pathways, Steve’s mental development is somewhat delayed. His brother tells him that Steve will never have to worry about love because he has “many inadequacies and not many capabilities.” Marvalyn tells him that there are things that can hurt but that you shouldn’t be afraid of, like the ironing board or love. Steve asks if she is in love with her boyfriend, and she responds that she “love[s] him very much.” Steve says that his brother said that he should be afraid of love because it can hurt. Marvalyn tells him again that love isn’t something she should be afraid of and kisses him. Steve is confused. Why would she kiss him if she loves her boyfriend very much? When people love each other very much, they don’t do laundry on a Friday night or scream at each other like Marvalyn and her boyfriend do, and they certainly don’t kiss other people. Marvalyn tries to leave, somewhat ashamed of herself, and accidentally strikes Steve with the ironing board again. Steve recoils with a loud “OUCH”

Many of us spend our entire lives like Steve. We don’t know what hurts until we experience it. We’ve been told by people we care about that we can’t experience some things. We’ve been changed by the things that hurt us to feel pain from things that may not have hurt us before.

To be continued. I should probably try that insomnia medication.