The Charles

I’m glad you asked, tumblr. It really shows you care and that makes me feel good about our relationship.

The answer is unknown to me, however. Maybe that’s part of my compulsion to educate myself. Then again, in every instance of emotional infirmity I’ve been able to see the logical inconsistencies in my thoughts and actions when the crazy starts.

Maybe I’m just becoming desperate, reading into the littlest things in the hope that someone wants to be with me.

This is all kinds of frustrating. I want to talk to her, but anytime I think about it I turn into this nervous mess. I didn’t even want to be in her vicinity today for fear that she would try to talk to me and I’d lose my cognitive functions. It’s like when I was trying to ask her out all those years ago, but instead of butterflies, it’s soul crushing anguish. I wish I could project these feelings into a physical form, then beat them into submission.

I’ve discovered an area in my life of what I believe to be hypocrisy. I become a bundle of crazy whenever Caliah is in town. I’m like a bumbling 12 year old and I don’t know how to get over it, but “Get over it” is my go-to piece of advice. On top of that, she’s graduating in May, so she’ll be here all the time and that terrifies me. Our break up was stupid, but she’s over it and I finally let that stupid part of it go, but I also haven’t been able to maintain a friendship with her since. I think trying to be friends with my exes may be a foolish endeavor. I assumed being unable to be friends meant you were still bitter, but that’s not the case. That being said, I’m appreciative of the two relationships I have been able to carry on (for the most part) but the idea behind it was flawed.

Guess who’s still stupid.

Hint: It’s me.

It’s Caliah’s birthday. I want to talk to her, but I don’t have her new number because I didn’t think to save it to my sim card, and I don’t post on people’s walls for their birthday. This is a stupid situation I’ve put myself in. I need this girl in my life but I keep fumbling out of it.

Also, this is a lot more concise than when I usually tumbl drunk.

Speaking of tumbling drunk, I got stopped by CHP tonight. Fun story. I’ll tell it tomorrow.

P.S. It’s cool. I was sober when I was driving. I got the party started again when I arrived home.

I’m having deep emotional responses to a lot of things. I can’t stand that shit. It’s not even directed anywhere. I just keep getting stirred up to these extremes, and I can’t show it because no one seems to know how to respond when I exhibit anything other than passive levity.