I want to through something through a giant pane of glass. And the reason why is selfish. Dammit. I feel like a jerk.
We did a show in December under the new title: The Scott Hagen Show. You can hear it at www.thescotthagenshow.com
I don’t know what to do with myself. Casual sex is working out exactly how I envisioned it, in both a positive and negative sense. This girl inadvertently broke up my relationship with Shellie, and now we’re fucking, probably because we’re both lonely.
I miss Shellie again for the first time in over a week. I keep comparing them, and there are things about them both I wish I could merge into the same person. They’re both beautiful, and so smart. The third party so much more rational, but Shellie is so lovingly devoted to everything she cares about. Shellie isn’t a very effective at communicating, but girl #2 seems to lack compassion when it matters. I didn’t think I’d ever have to be without Shellie, but I also never thought I could develop feelings for G2.
Shellie and I have been separated for two months, but my relationship with G2 still feels like cheating. The guilt is gut-wrenching. I don’t feel like I could ever have anything more than this with G2, and I don’t think she would want anything more.
G2 is a refuge I’m unwilling to give up. It’s a rebound for both of us. And I thought I was fine with that. I know I don’t want to be with Shellie anymore, but the thought of her is a burden on what G2 gives me.
I don’t even know if that makes any sense anymore. As I typed it, my thoughts were erratic, but I’m not changing it. It feels good to put everything down in whatever form it comes to mind. It’s not like anyone knows about this blog anyway.